Two Creams and a Sugar: Xander Falls in a Ditch
by Arsahi
Summary: Co-writen by Mae. Our version of the perfect episode of BtVS. Lots of fluffy S/B shipping and Xander-bashing.


Title: Two Creams and a Sugar (a.k.a. Xander Falls in a Ditch)  
  
Written By: Mae (serenaSM81@yahoo.com) and Arashi (arashi@tenjou.com)  
  
Rated: Um...definitely PG. Dunno if it qualifies as PG-13 since there's  
no implied smut and nothing worse than "damn" and "hell" in here.  
  
Summary: Our version of the perfect episode of Buffy :D Takes place  
in season five, we think, but there's not really any mention of Dawn,  
but they hang out at the Magic Box...well, we think it's season five  
in any case. LOTS OF FLUFFY S/B SHIPPING! XD  
  
Disclaimer: Sadly, we don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. *both weep*  
Even though we're the geniuses we are, and we write the frickin' show  
better than Joss does, all the lovely characters and our beloved Spike/  
James Marsters belongs to Joss. Hell, everything belongs to Joss x_x  
Except for this story. JOSS WHEDON IS TAKING OVER THE WORLD! *both run  
away from BtVS, Angel, and Titan A.E. (which he did help produce btw)*  
  
Arashi's ANs: Didja know we wrote this fic entirely over an IM? Well...  
more than one IM, but IMs nonetheless. Nothing but our screennames was  
editted out, and I typed up this longass fic. I hope you enjoy it,   
because I know I enjoyed writing it!   
  
Mae's ANs: BUFFY AND SPIKE FOREVER! (Arashi: heh she gets right to the  
point...)  
  
~*~  
Xander was strolling along, and into the Magic Box, where he met Buffy.   
"Hi Buffster!" he said, a bit too chipperly for the Slayer's liking.  
  
Buffy replied, with a low growl, "Call me that again and you   
will have a gaping head wound or a punctured stomach."  
  
"Or possibly both!" Willow threw in.  
  
Xander's eyes watered, like the big wanker he is, and he threw   
his arms up. "Why are you so mean to me!!!" He ran out of the Magic  
Box and down a hill, where he tumbled into a ditch.  
  
Spike walked in right after Xander left, and said, "Hullo   
Buffster."  
  
Buffy blushed and answered, "Hi Spike..."  
  
Giles gaped at Buffy, wondering why she wasn't her usual hostile  
self towards the rather hot vampire. Willow took this oppurtunity to  
throw a Cheeto into Giles's gaping mouth, which Giles choked on for a  
moment until Buffy performed the Heimlech Manuever on him until he   
spit it out, hitting Anya square on the head.  
  
"Ouch! That hurt!" Anya exclaimed. "Perhaps if Giles gave me   
money, I won't sue him for this now-forming bruise on my head..."  
  
Meanwhile, Spike was having the time of his life laughing at  
Anya and basking in the Slayer's presence.   
  
"Pay YOU? Why, it was Willow's fault!" Giles said.   
  
"Well you shouldn't have had your mouth open!" Willow protested.   
  
"Well if Buffy hadn't..." as the bickering continued, Buffy   
went back into the training room, sat on the couch and munched on the   
remaining Cheetos. Spike skipped out of the room, as much as he enjoyed   
watching the three of them argue, and down into the training room,   
where he sat near Buffy.   
  
"Did you just...skip in here?" Buffy inquired.   
  
"I sure did," Spike replied, grinning like a maniac. "Are you   
jealous?"  
  
"Oh I'm just green with envy," she replied sarcastically.   
  
"Actually, I should think you'd be the lucky one," Spike said.   
"Bein' in my presence an' all."   
  
"Ha! Let's remember who's in love with who!"   
  
Spike raised an eyebrow. "Hmph. Well maybe I don't like you   
anymore. Maybe I fell in love with someone else."  
  
"Fat chance," Buffy rolled her eyes.   
  
"Well I coulda!" Spike replied indignantly.  
  
"With WHO? The local whore vampire, Harmony?" Buffy asked.  
  
Spike made a face, a rather humorous one of disgust. Buffy   
burst out laughing at the sight.   
  
All of a sudden, Anya burst in the room, "Is Xander in here?"   
  
"Nope," Buffy replied.   
  
Anya shrugged. "Oh well, I guess I'll go pluck my eyebrows now."  
  
Spike arched that perfect eyebrow again. "Wha' was tha' all   
about?"  
  
"Who cares, it's just Xander," Buffy said. "So, you wanna Cheeto?"   
  
"Sure!" Spike replied, happy to get his hands on anything Buffy   
touched.   
  
"Hey Spike, I was wondering something...when I was in your   
crypt one day I found one of my thongs. Care to elaborate on it?" she  
asked casually.  
  
"Uh..." Spike would have blushed if he could. "Not...really...."  
  
"Of course you do! See 'cuz I have a nice pointy stick that   
fits in a nice place in your heart," Buffy smiled sweetly.  
  
"What were you doing in my crypt anyway?" Spike shot back.  
  
"Umm...I was looking for...a..." Buffy tried to say something,   
but Spike interrupted, "You were looking for a good lay??"  
  
Buffy glared at him. "No," she said curtly. But that was all she   
said on that matter.  
  
"Do you want to go get some ice cream?" Spike asked.   
  
Buffy looked at him strangely. 'What does ice cream have to do   
with anything?' she wondered, but nodded. "I don't see what harm there   
is in getting ice cream with you."  
  
'Muaha,' Spike thought to himself. 'There'll be harm for you and   
good for me when you're covered in it...'  
  
"Let's go," Spike got up and offered his arm to the woman of   
his affections.  
  
Buffy got up slowly, and took his arm, kinda confused about all   
this. ICE CREAM? A vampire?? Oh well, she was hungry, and she was in the   
mood for mint chocolate chip.  
  
Spike led her down to the ice cream parlor, and of course it   
was night time what other time of the day would it be?, and opened the   
door gallantly for Buffy. Buffy stepped on his foot as she walked in.  
  
"I didn't deserve that," he muttered to himself, following her   
in.   
  
"Of course you did," she replied. "You're blond."  
  
"So are you," Spike pointed out.  
  
"Yeah but I'm a natural blond," Buffy smirked.  
  
"What? You bloody well are not!" Spike exclaimed.  
  
"Yes I 'bloody well' am!" Buffy snapped. "You can even ask Dawn."  
  
"Nuh uh I saw those hair dye boxes in your room. It said 'honey   
blond'," Spike insisted.  
  
"What were you doing in my room?!" Buffy yelled. Then she added,   
"Probably looking for my thong..."  
  
"No, that was another time," he told her.   
  
Buffy raised an eyebrow. "How many times have you been in my room   
without my knowing??"  
  
Spike smirked, "Wouldn't you like to know."  
  
"Wouldn't you like to not fit in a sandwich bag??" Buffy threatened.  
  
"Only if I wasn't staked by you," he winked and smiled that charming   
smile of his at her.  
  
Buffy blushed, then flipped her hair out of her face. "Well in that   
case I'll just get Faith to stake your sorry ass."  
  
Spike rolled his eyes, "Faith doesn't even hold a candle to you."  
  
Buffy rolled her eyes also. "Well duh, but she can still kick ass   
from here to the planet..." She stopped talking.  
  
"Planet what?" Spike prodded.  
  
"The planet...ah never mind," Buffy waved it off.  
  
"No I want to know," Spike persisted. "Planet what?"  
  
"Planet...Hollywood?" Buffy suggested pitifully.  
  
Spike started laughing.   
  
"Okay okay...one night after Riley left, me and Willow got mad   
drunk...and we started talking about you and Riley, and now there's a planet   
SpikeishotterandsexierandsweeterthanRiley. Okay? Satisfied?" Buffy gave in.  
  
"Well, anyway. Pet, we came here for ice cream and I'll be damned if   
we don't get some." Spike declared.  
  
"You already ARE damned," Buffy pointed out innocently.  
  
"That I am," Spike said. "But hey I'll save you a seat next to   
me in hell!"  
  
Buffy glared at him, "I don't know what Willow and I were thinking   
we said you were sweeter than Riley..."  
  
Spike pouted, "But I thought you said you loveeeeed me..."  
  
Buffy's eyes bugged, "I never said that!!"  
  
"Sure you did. You say it all the time." Spike said casually.   
  
"When?! When you're banging your robot and thinking it's me?" Buffy  
snapped.  
  
Spike rolled his eyes, yet again. "You think I can't see past   
all your bloody lies?"  
  
"Huh? What are you talking about? And when are you buying the   
ice cream?!" Buffy demanded.  
  
Spike sighed, even though he didn't have to, and stepped aside   
and motioned to the counter. "As soon as you tell the bloody guy what   
you want."  
  
"Oh...oops. Can I have a vampire and a stake please?" Buffy  
asked.  
  
"Uh. Sorry miss we don't sell steak," the poor boy behind the  
counter answered.  
  
Spike looked at the ground and shook his head. "She'll have the   
mint chocolate chip." He winked at Buffy, knowing it was her favorite   
ice cream, "And I'll have chocolate in a waffle cone."  
  
"Why are you looking at the floor?" Buffy asked.  
  
"I'm not," he answered. "I'm lookin' at you."  
  
Buffy blushed for about the millionth time that night. "Well...  
hey! There's Xander...what's he doing here?"   
  
Xander walked in the door and over to Buffy. Spike, annoyed that   
he interrupted, dumped his ice cream cone on Xanders head. "Oops," he  
said innocently.  
  
"What'd you do that fooooooooor?!" Xander whined like the big baby   
he is.  
  
Buffy glared at him, annoyed. "Shaddup Xander. Go fall in a   
ditch."  
  
"Buffster...." Xander sniffled and his eyes watered.  
  
"WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT THAT?!" Buffy roared, disrupting the   
whole place. "STOP HARASSING ME!"  
  
"I...I'm not harrassing you!" Xander said in a small voice.   
  
"She said go fall in a ditch, whelp," Spike sneered, giving   
Xander his scariest un-vamp face.  
  
Xander squared his shoulders. "You can't do anything to me, you   
neutered vampire!"  
  
Spike growled, a deep rumbling noise that came from his chest.   
"I can and will kick your ass."  
  
"Neutered vamp, neutered vamp!" Xander antagonized Spike.  
  
Spike picked up Xander and held him over his upraised knee. If   
he dropped Xander or brought his knee up, the whelp's spine would snap.   
"I'll kill you. Right here in the bloody ice cream parlor."  
  
"Nooo! That's not allowed Spike! If you do that then they'll   
perform surgery and he'll live and then you'll be gonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnne!"   
Buffy cried.  
  
A bit dumbfounded, Spike dropped Xander on the floor. "Why   
Buffy, I didn't know you cared," he smiled, genuinely smiled, at her.  
  
"I don't. But if your not here to kick those dead meanies'   
asses, than I can't go out looking for a hottie," Buffy pouted.  
  
"You don't have to look for one," Spike hinted.  
  
"YOU'RE LOOKING AT ONE LADY! NOW TAKE YOUR ICE CREAM AND SIT   
DOWN SO I CAN ORDER!" another woman behind them yelled.  
  
"Hey back off!" Spike growled at the woman behind them. "We'll   
stand here as long as we bloody well please."  
  
The woman, a pretty redhead about Buffy's age, batted her   
eyelashes. "Why don't you dump this ugly blond chick and you and me   
can have some fun tonight...?"  
  
"Ugly blond chick?!" Buffy exclaimed. "Who do you think you're   
talking about?!"  
  
"...An ugly blond chick?" the woman answered ingeniously.  
  
"Now now, love," Spike slung an arm around Buffy. "You're   
gorgeous and you know it. Don't listen to the wanker."  
  
"What's a wanker?" the redhead girl asked, as Buffy and Spike   
walked away.  
  
"You wanna stay here and eat your ice cream or take a nice   
stroll back to the Magic Box?" Spike asked.  
  
"The Magic Box? How exciting..." Buffy said dryly.  
  
"...Yeah, y'know, where we just came from," Spike explained.  
  
"I know...I was thinking maybe we could go somewhere else. How   
'bout the mall? I saw this really cute sweater there. You can buy it   
for me," Buffy suggested, batting her eyelashes at him.  
  
"Do I have a big bleedin' dollar sign on my forehead or somethin'?"   
Spike asked, grinning. "But if you wanna go to the mall, we can go. We'll   
hafta walk though."  
  
"You sure do have a bleedin' dollar sign on your forehead. It's   
rightttt there," she said, drawing one on quickly with a pen.  
  
"I'm not bleeding, am I?" Spike touched his forehead to make   
sure the pen hadn't drawn blood. Not that he would've cared.  
  
"You are. Your brain is bleeding," she grinned.  
  
"Ha, ha," Spike said, "and another ha. You're just so funny, pet."  
  
"Can you ha for me just one more time?" Buffy asked, eating her   
ice cream.  
  
"Ha. And another ha for good measure." Spike stretched his arms  
above his head.  
  
"Can you ha again?" she asked once more.  
  
"Sorry, luv. All 'ha'ed out," Spike dropped his arms.  
  
"Ha! You 'ha'ed!" Buffy exclaimed.  
  
Spike shook his head and herded her out the door and onto the   
sidewalk. "Yeah yeah I 'ha'ed."  
  
"Sooo are you gonna buy me the sweater?" she inquired.  
  
"Depends on how much it costs, luv." Then he added, "It's not like I   
get the money outta bloody nowhere."  
  
"It was 80 bucks, and these really cute shoes to match. Oh, it   
looked soooooooo good on me!"  
  
"Anything looks good on you."  
  
"Well duh. But I looked realllllly good in this...and it'd go   
with my leather pants. you know the ones that show off my butt??" she   
said, hoping this would get spike to buy her the sweater.  
  
"Why do I get the feeling you're usin' me jus' for my money?"   
he asked, getting out his wallet to see how much cash he had with him.  
  
"'Cuz I am," she grinned innocently.  
  
He sighed, "How much were the bloody shoes?"  
  
"60 dollars."  
  
He winced. "Well...wish you had brought your leather pants with   
ya. That would make this much easier to decide..."  
  
She turned around, "My butt looks better in those than they do   
in theseeeeee..."  
  
"Yes it does," Spike agreed. The arrived at the mall, where   
Buffy led Spike immediately to the store where the sweater and shoes were.  
  
Suddenly, it dawned on Buffy. "Were you insulting my butt?"  
  
Spike whistled innocently. "Wha', me? Insult such a gorgeous   
butt? Never."  
  
Buffy glared. "You're just jealous 'cuz my ass is sexier than   
yours."  
  
("HA! LIKE HELL!" Mae chimed in.)  
  
"Oh puh-leeze," Spike rolled his eyes. "My ass is sexier than   
yours ever will be." Thoughtfully, he added, "Though it IS pretty sexy."  
  
"HA! Well don't count on ever getting any of THIS ass," Buffy   
said grabbing the sweater, and huffing into the women's dressing rooms.  
  
Spike grinned, "Oh somehow I doubt tha'..."  
  
About 10 minutes later, Buffy walked out. "What took you so   
long?" Spike asked.   
  
Buffy rolled her eyes. "Would you believe someone said I looked   
FAT in this? So I kicked her ass and came out here to show you."  
  
If Spike had to breathe, the way Buffy looked would have taken   
his breath away. "Someone said you were fat in tha'? Who was it? I'll   
kick her ass too."  
  
"She's lying dead on the floor right now." Buffy joked. "So you   
like it?"  
  
Spike nodded. "Very much."  
  
"Yay! Okay, let me go change and than you can pay for it."  
  
"Why don't you get a job?!" he called after her.  
  
"Because I already have one, it's called slaying!" she answered   
from the dressing room.  
  
"And she said that out loud, why...?" he muttered to himself.  
  
"I mean...playing," she amended quickly.  
  
"Not professionally I take it," Spike said and shook his head.  
  
"Depends on your definition of playing," Buffy replied. You could   
almost here the smile in her voice  
  
In spite of himself, Spike smiled too. "What kind of playing   
are you implyin' then? And are you almos' finished in there?"  
  
"Yup! Hold on, just need to put my bra back on..." Buffy said.  
  
"I didn' need to hear tha', and I'm sure the other people in   
here didn' need t'hear it either," Spike shook his head.  
  
"You didn't need to hear it but I know you wanted too!" she   
replied knowingly.  
  
Spike laughed and tried to rub the dollar sign off his forehead.  
  
Buffy walked out of the dressing room. "All right Sexy, let's   
get this paid for, and get me home before you get hungry."  
  
"It's no' like I can bloody do anythin' ta anybody in here   
anyway," he muttered. "And thanks for callin' me 'sexy'," he winked   
at her and paid for the clothes.  
  
She winked back. "Of course. Now let's go show off my new   
sweater...it'll look GREAT for my date on Saturday!"  
  
"Your...date?" Spike froze as Buffy began to walk out.  
  
"Just joking," she said, grinning like a mad woman.  
  
"You could kill a fella tha' way," Spike caught up with her.   
"But I can fix tha' pesky 'date on Saturday' problem..." he grinned   
at her.  
  
Buffy looked at him, serious. "Spike...come on."  
  
"Wha'? You wouldn't wan' to be seen with me on a date?" Spike   
asked.   
  
"No, it's not that...but you're..a...a..." Buffy searched for a  
word to substitute 'vampire'.  
  
"Does tha' mean I'm no' allowed to eat food? I'm actually quite   
fond of Italian food..." Spike's grin was gone. Then he said, "And I   
know you're the...well..."  
  
"Are you really? Me too! Hey...anyway...but still. I mean what   
happened last time I dated a...lamp," Buffy supplied.  
  
Spike rolled his eyes. "Yeah. Peaches was a barrel of laughs.   
Pesky soulled...lamp...but I'm no' like tha', Buffy..."  
  
"No, but a lamp is a lamp is a lamp...wow I feel really stupid   
for saying that." Buffy sighed.  
  
Spike could feel his undead heart ripping into little pieces   
inside his chest. His emotions played out across his face, first   
hopefulness, then confusion, and now finally hurt. "Fine, I won' bother   
you abou' it again. Jus' come to neutered ol' Spike anytime you need   
somethin'..." he started for the mall exit.  
  
Buffy immediately felt like an ass. Why was she turning down a   
date with this extremely hot guy? Was she retarded??! She ran after   
Spike, and jumped on his back. "Are you going to let a poor innocent   
girl walk home allllllll alone?"  
  
"Innocent, my ass," Spike muttered, almost overwhelmed by the   
feeling of Buffy on his back.  
  
"But I'm so skird!" Buffy clung to him.  
  
"Good ol' Spike will walk you home then," he answered. He was   
still hurt by what Buffy had told him.  
  
Buffy pouted. "Don't be mad....I mean I like you more than I   
like most lamps."  
  
"Yeah. I'm sure you're just head over heels for me," he said   
bitterly. "And I'm just positive you like me more than the Poof."  
  
Buffy jumped off his back and grabbed his shoulders. "Spike,   
don't be like this please."  
  
"Why in bloody hell shouldn't I?! You hate me, you always   
have," Spike felt like crying, but would never ever show it in front   
of Buffy.  
  
Buffy bit her lip. "I don't hate you."  
  
"Well you bloody well don't love me, tha' much I can see," Spike   
closed his eyes and looked away from Buffy.  
  
"Well..." Buffy tried to catch his eyes again.  
  
"Well?" he said, opening his eyes and looking at her, hard.  
  
"I DO love you...but I don't think I'm IN love with you," Buffy   
answered slowly. "...Yet..."  
  
Spike, being a vampire, didn't understand. "Huh?"  
  
"Spike, I love you like I love Willow, or Anya, or Giles," Buffy   
explained. "Not like you love me. At least not yet."  
  
"Oh I feel so much better," he said sarcastically. "You're saying   
you love me like you love Anya."  
  
"I love you like a friend...?" Buffy offered.   
  
"Wahoo," Spike said. "Let me go do a bloody happy dance." He   
started happy dancing in the mall.  
  
"Spike! Spike stop that!" Buffy exclaimed, mightily embarrassed.  
  
"What? Come on BUFFSTER. Happy dance with me. I mean we're all   
just BLOODY HAPPY!" Spike told her.  
  
She put her hands over her eyes, her cheeks becoming a deep   
red. "This isn't happening to me, this isn't happening to me..." she   
muttered over and over.  
  
"You're no fun," he said, "I'm leaving."  
  
"You're embarrassing," Buffy answered, following him as they   
left the mall. "I mean, dancing in the middle of the mall! I knew   
better..."  
  
"But I'm sexy when I dance," Spike grinned.  
  
"...Maybe when you're not happy dancing..." Buffy replied.  
  
"Ha! I'm sexy no matter what."  
  
"Good-looking, maybe. Handsome, definitely. But sexy? I   
dunno..." Buffy shook her head, smiling a little.  
  
"Yeah well...I'm going home. Since your done using my money, I   
figure I'll get some shut eye."  
  
"...You don't sleep at night though. Unless you're going to   
drink yourself silly?"  
  
"I do to sleep at night! What else am I supposed to do, go   
drink some bloody whelp so my head will ache from here to heaven?"  
  
"Well, uh," Buffy paused, racking her brain for a reason to   
stay with him, even though she didn't realize it. "Why don't we go   
to the Bronze? I mean, I don't have anything else to do, you don't   
have anything else to do, the others won't miss us."  
  
"Hey!" Spike said, completely ignoring Buffy. "Let's go into   
this store!" Spike led her into a punk store, filled with leather,   
chains and other stuff that a blond haired, blue eyed, innocent girl   
like Buffy shouldn't be near  
  
"Spike..." Buffy looked around. "This...isn't...my kind of   
store..."  
  
"Oh right. And the GAP is my store."  
  
Buffy squared her shoulders. "At least you don't look like a   
fish out of water there!"  
  
Spike raised his eyebrow. "You're lookin' pretty good to me."  
  
"Oh honestly," Buffy was flustered. "I think I'll go wait   
outside."  
  
"HA! You're buying me something!"  
  
"Ex...excuse me?!" Buffy turned around, her mouth open in a   
little "o".  
  
"I bought you something...things actually."  
  
"But...I don't have that kind of money," Buffy protested.   
"That's why I had YOU buy it!"  
  
"Oh. Then I guess we'll have to take that stuff back," Spike   
told her. "You really need a job, woman."  
  
Buffy groaned. "Don't call me woman. And I'll buy you what I   
can, all right?" She clutched her bag tightly, not wanting to return   
it after she'd so ingeniously had Spike buy it for her.  
  
"Why wouldn't I call you woman? You're one hell of one. And I'm   
joking. You don't have to buy me anything. Having you in my company   
is treasure enough," Spike smiled.  
  
Buffy felt her cheeks start to burn, for like the billionth time   
that night.  
  
"Don't blush, luv. Just admit that I'm hot, studly, and romantic   
and we can go on with the evening." Spike teased, ruining the sweet   
moment he'd created.  
  
"I oughtta smack you for that," Buffy threatened.   
  
"But you wouldn't. Because I'm hot...studly...romantic..."  
  
"Yeah, right!" she exclaimed as believably as she could. With   
that, she walked over to examine a display of chain necklaces on   
the other side of the store.  
  
"Hey Slayer! Got something for you!" Spike called, holding up a   
dog collar, and laughing his ass of.  
  
"I didn't see that!" Buffy called back after glancing at it.  
  
"Oh look! And an accessory!" he grabbed a silver leash. "I'm   
definitely getting this. It'll come in handy one night when you're   
drunk!"  
  
"Oh god," Buffy groaned.  
  
"He can't help you, luv. You're just as damned as I am,   
remember?"  
  
She picked up a gold chain, and imagined how good it would look   
on Spike, then almost smacked herself for thinking that. "Oh, right   
right, you're saving me that seat in Hell."  
  
"Actually you'll prob'ly be there first.." Spike teased, then  
caught sight of the chain. "Hey I bet tha' chain would look delicious   
on me."  
  
'Damn, that was just what I was thinking,' Buffy sighed. "It   
would look better on me."  
  
"My sexy ass it'd look better on you!"  
  
"Mmhmm. Ego much?"  
  
"I don't need an ego. I'm just telling the truth. My ass is   
sexy."  
  
"Whatever," she put the gold chain back in its spot.  
  
"C'mon luv. Let's get back to my place...didn't you say you   
wanted to spend the night?"  
  
She glared and pouted at him. "Okay now you're just making stuff   
up." Then she added, "I said I wanted to go to the Bronze."  
  
"But don't you want to go take a shower first? I'll help if you   
want..." Spike offered.  
  
"You know, you were so...well, actually you were very nice   
company up until a few minutes ago. Now you're being sick and the old   
Spike I didn't want to hang out with."  
  
"Of course you do. Who else are you going to hang out with,   
Xander?"  
  
Buffy blanched. "No. Maybe...maybe I'd hang out with Willow."  
  
"Isn't she groping some other witch?"  
  
Buffy pouted again. "All right, all right, I don't have anyone   
else to hang out with right now." She sighed. "You don't have to rub   
my face in it," she added. "Ooh!" Buffy exclaimed. "I have an idea!   
You have a lotta money on you right?"  
  
"...I'm afraid to answer tha'," Spike said.  
  
"Tell me or I'll kick your ass," she threatened.  
  
"All righ', I prolly have enough money for whatever you have   
planned," Spike replied.  
  
"Okay! We're going to buy YOU some NICE new clothes. I'm talkin'   
nice-enough-to-boink-Britney-Spears-sexy-as-a-Backstreet-Boy-damn-  
I'm-hot clothes." Buffy grinned savagely.  
  
"Bu' what's wrong with my clothes I have righ' now? I'm damn   
sexy in anything and you know it," Spike answered.  
  
"'Cuz you look like a frikkin' Billy Idol wannabe!" Buffy   
exclaimed.  
  
Spike feigned shock. "You don't have to be so bloody frank.   
You wan' me to look like one of those teenybopper idols?"  
  
"Didn't I say that? I believe hot-as-a-Backstreet-Boy was in   
there," Buffy bit back.  
  
"Oh bloody hell, pet. If you make me look like one of those pop   
stars then you have to look like Britney or Christina."  
  
"I'm hotter than them already and you know it."  
  
Spike grinned, "All righ', you can have that. But jus' for the   
sake of fairness..."  
  
"...?" Buffy arched an eyebrow.  
  
"You know wha' I mean. You have to dress up like a pop star to   
match me. Then we can go to the Bronze."  
  
"Ha! My ass...I'm doing this for your OWN good," Buffy said. "You   
expect to get a girl looking like THAT?"  
  
"Well now. The look worked for Dru." Spike huffed.  
  
"She was crazy, which explains a lot," Buffy reminded him.  
  
"Hmph. Fine. Have it your way." Then he got an idea, which   
spread a wicked smile across his face. "No, I have an idea now. If I   
get the goody-goody look, then you have to go punk."  
  
Buffy blanched. "no.. God no please God no.."  
  
"He won't help you, pet. It's only fair. It's a deal breaker.   
You go punk or I don't go goody-goody."  
  
"Well fine then! We don't go at all!" Buffy told him sternly.  
  
"Fine with me."  
  
"But your still buying new clothes 'cuz I refuse to be seen   
with you any longer like this," Buffy glared.  
  
Spike took off his duster and put it around Buffy's shoulders.   
"There. I'm different now."  
  
Buffy sniffed it. "Yucky, it smells like you."  
  
"And that's a bad thing?" he smiled charmingly at her.  
  
"Didn't 'yucky' give you a clue?" Buffy said innocently.  
  
Spike chuckled. "I'm teasin' you, pet."  
  
"C'mon!!" she said, grabbing his hand and dragging him to The   
Gap.  
  
"Oh no no no! No!" Spike tried to dig his heels into the floor   
but only succeeded in making skid marks and a squeaky noise.   
  
Buffy glared at him. "Spikeeeee people are looking at us funny.   
Pick up your feet or I'll cut them off!"  
  
"Cut them off then!" Spike dug his heels further into the floor.  
  
"If you change your wardrobe, I'll give you a biiiigggggg   
surprise!"  
  
Spike narrowed his eyes. "You play dirty, luv." But he picked   
up his feet and walked reluctantly behind her.  
  
She grinned at him, and grabbed a pair of loose khakis and a   
black turtleneck. "Go. Try on."  
  
"Oh no. No." Spike insisted.  
  
Buffy stuck out her lower lip, and let it tremble a little bit.   
Spike's heart began to melt but he shook it off and crossed his arms.   
"No. I refuse to look like Peaches."  
  
Buffy gave him her most sultry look. "But you have to remember   
what I DID with 'Peaches'..."  
  
With a frustrated groan, Spike grabbed the outfit from her and   
stomped into the dressing room.  
  
Buffy hid her giggles behind her hand, and she looked through   
the racks of clothing to see if she could find anything she liked.  
  
"I feel like a bleedin' poof ball," Spike muttered. He stepped   
out of the dressing room and walked over to Buffy. "All right luv. You   
happy?"  
  
"Aww you look pretty!" she exclaimed happily.  
  
"Wonderful. I'm pretty."  
  
"Oh...I mean studly...?"  
  
Spike gave her a look that clearly stated she wasn't helping.  
  
"Britney Spears would bang you," she offered, trying to make  
him feel better about the new look. "So would Christina and probably   
a Backstreet Boy too."  
  
Spike looked horrified at the last comment. "Then I'm taking   
this off."  
  
"NO!" she cried. "If you do, I'll cry!"  
  
"I wish I could see myself," Spike said frustratedly. "I   
probably wouldn't like what I saw but still."  
  
"You don't trust me?" she asked sadly.  
  
"I don't like being studly. I'm the Big Bad, remember?" Spike   
looked down at his pants. "Bloody hell..." he muttered.  
  
"Don't worry! The black makes you look mean," she told him   
reassuringly. "And you can keep your nails black."  
  
"Give me this," he snatched his duster off of her and covered   
himself with it.  
  
"Give it back or I'll take it from you and BURN it. I'm being   
nice enough to let you KEEP it," Buffy told him threateningly.  
  
"Buffyyyyyyyy," he whined.  
  
"Oh yeah, you're SOOOOOOOO Big Bad," Buffy rolled her eyes.  
  
"Oh bloody hell," he reluctantly took off his duster and put   
it back around her shoulders.  
  
"That's what I thought. Now go try these on," she handed him a   
pair of jeans and a black muscle shirt. "Now you can show off your   
manly muscles."  
  
He took the clothes and dragged himself back to the dressing   
room, muttering about love and poof balls.  
  
  
An hour or so later, Buffy and Spike had purchased the two outfits.  
Buffy told him she wouldn't stay with him if he didn't buy the khakis  
and the turtleneck, and Spike had liked the way the jeans and   
muscle t-shirt had fit. Then he'd dragged her back to the punk store  
and forced her to try on a punk outfit, saying he wouldn't take her   
to the Bronze if she didn't. She'd ended up buying a short   
leather miniskirt, a shirt that clung like a second skin, a chain  
belt, and a thin silver chain.  
  
Spike and Buffy walked into the Bronze, Spike paying both their  
admissions.  
  
"I cannot believe I'm wearing this," Buffy grumbled, tugging at   
her short leather miniskirt, and pulling at the chain belt.  
  
Spike grinned, "You look indescribably hot, luv." He slung an   
arm around her.  
  
"I look like a whore. My shirt goes from here to hell!"  
  
He chuckled. "Well I came here looking like a bloody   
teenybopper idol. Totally not my look."  
  
"Yeah but you look clean now! Not like some junky," she smiled  
brightly at him.  
  
He shook his head. "I feel like the poofter."  
  
"Yes but you look better as a poofster than anything else," she  
told him.  
  
"And you look bloody sexy in that outfit," Spike murmured in her   
ear, above the din of the music.  
  
"I do not! I look like some Bond chick!" Buffy whined.  
  
"No, you look VERY sexy," Spike murmured again.  
  
"No, I look like a slut," she insisted. "But, of course...given   
your track record..."  
  
"Oh, like that should mean anything to you?" he answered.  
  
"Well you do happen to go after...whorish...people," she said   
slowly.  
  
"I think you just insulted yourself, luv. But anyway, look at   
YOUR record. Captain Cardboard and Peaches."  
  
"Well... so?!" she answered indignantly.  
  
"Isn't it time you dated a Big Bad?" he murmured softly, his   
lips almost brushing her ear.  
  
"HI BUFFY!!" Xander screamed from the other side of the Bronze.   
His hair was dirty, and his clothes were torn from falling in ditches   
all night long.  
  
"Oh bloody hell," Buffy and Spike muttered at the same time.  
  
"HI SPIKE!!" Anya called, who was standing next to Xander.  
  
"Oh great....HI ANYA!" he called back ditzily, his arm around   
Buffy still. He waved a little.  
  
"Don't do that, you look fruity," Buffy said, pulling her skirt   
down farther.  
  
"Keep doin' that and your panties'll show. No' that I mind..."   
he grinned at her.  
  
"Well you'll see them either way. By the way, I got you this   
too..." Buffy pulled out a brown belt from nowhere.   
  
Spike yelped. "I thought you didn't have any money with you?!"  
  
Buffy coughed. "oops??"  
  
"Oh great bloody goddamned hell..." Spike looked away from the   
belt.  
  
"Fine...I'll just go find some lonely guy and show him a good   
time," Buffy teased, starting to walk away.  
  
"All righ', all righ', I'll put the soddin' belt on," Spike   
grabbed it from her.  
  
"Yay!" Buffy said happily. "Oh, am I not supposed to act giddy??   
'Cuz I'm tryin' to play the part of a Big Bad Girl..."  
  
"Let your inner 'grrrr' out," Spike said, grinning and putting   
the belt on.  
  
"I don't have any 'grr'. I'm more like a 'meow'er"  
  
"Sure you have a 'grrrr'. I've seen it," he tilted his head and   
looked at her. "Need ol' Spike to help bring it out?"  
  
"No. I like me how I am. And I don't need an 'old Spike'," she  
replied. "Hey you know what'd be fuuuuuuuun?" Buffy said to Spike.  
  
"I can think of a few things, but what are you thinking?" he   
replied.  
  
"Stop being dirty... and we should go to my house and do your   
hair!"  
  
"Oh no. You've got me wearing stuff out of Peaches's wardrobe.   
I don't need the hairgel to complete the look," Spike protested   
vehemently.  
  
  
A few minutes later, Spike was sitting at the kitchen table, his head   
in his hand and an extremely bored look on his face. "I can't believe   
I'm getting the hairgel to complete the poof ball look."  
  
"Be quiet or there'll be hairgel in your mouth," Buffy told   
him.  
  
"It'd be bloody better than on my hair." He tried to peer at   
Buffy. "Are you trying to make me look like Peaches?"  
  
"Helllllllllllllllllllllll no...but your roots are showing   
really bad. Why would I want you to look like Angel anyway?? He's   
all...fairy-ish." Buffy smeared more hairgel on Spike's head.  
  
"Well at least we agree there. I still can't shake this   
unsettlin' feeling that you want me to look like a poofter..."   
  
"No...I like you just the way you are!" Buffy said, not   
realizing she'd just completely contradicted herself.  
  
"Then why are you doing this to me?" Spike asked exasperatedly.  
  
"Because I'm crazy of course. I mean, you like to see me all   
different too," Buffy smiled brightly.  
  
Spike paused, then shook his head. "...I can think of another   
different way I'd like to see you, luv." He looked up at her and grinned.  
  
"How's that?" Buffy wanted to know.  
  
"You'll smack me if I tell you."  
  
"Tell me or I'll smack you. Either way you get smacked."  
  
"Luv, use your imagination."  
  
"Like I need an imagination. I've seen everything. Now tell me!"  
she prodded.  
  
Spike shook his head, "If you don't ge' it by now then you   
aren't going to."  
  
"Telllllllllllllllllll me or I'll dye your hair brown and put   
makeup on you."   
  
Spike yelped. Buffy started to dig through her makeup bag, and   
pulled out some brown eyeliner. Spike deflated under the pressure.   
"Are you dense tonight or what? Hello, think here, luv. Spike, the   
guy who's in love with you, wants to see you a 'different' way."  
  
"You want to turn me into a vampire?? Eww gross!" Buffy   
exclaimed.  
  
Spike hung his head and shook it. "Do I have to bloody spell   
it out for you?"  
  
Buffy rolled her eyes. "Apparently."  
  
"Cor, woman. I want to see you bloody naked, all right? It's a   
'different' way, do you bloody get it now?"  
  
"Oh...well I'm used to that."  
  
Spike shook his head and yawned, a strange thing for a vamp to   
do. "Are you done yet?"  
  
"I mean, most guys treat me like I'm a frikkin' slut, why not   
you too?" buffy said, accidentally yanking on his hair.  
  
He flinched. "Gentle with the hair, please? And I'm a guy, may   
be an undead one, but I still like to imagine what's underneath all   
tha' clothin'."  
  
"Why is it every guy just wants to screw me?!"  
  
"Okay, I'm sorry I said anythin'. I didn't think you'd go off   
on it."  
  
"I MEAN DO I LOOK LIKE A WHORE OR SOMETHING??!"  
  
"No, of course not!"  
  
Buffy looked down at her outfit. "Liar! JEEZ! I'M GOING TO   
BED!!" Buffy spun on her heel and stomped up the stairs.  
  
"Buffy!" Spike jumped up and followed her. "Buffy wait, I   
didn't mean it that way!"  
  
"I'M going to bed. You're not invited."  
  
"At least let me make it up to you somehow for bein' a bad man?"  
  
"No. I'm going to bed."  
  
"Look, luv, I'm really sorry...please don't let it ruin our   
evening?" Spike looked so pitiful and desperate.  
  
"If you're really sorry, will you stake yourself?"  
  
"If it'll make you happy," Spike promised.  
  
"Really? You provide the vampire, I'll provide the stake."  
  
Spike didn't even blink in surprise, but nodded instead. "Deal."  
  
Buffy lifted up her skirt, where she had somehow hidden a stake   
(considering the skirt was so short) and handed it to him. Spike took   
it, pausing a moment to think about where the stake came from, and   
then raised it above his chest, ready to stake himself, but the chip   
kicked in. "Oh bloody hell..." he dropped the stake and grabbed at   
his head.  
  
"Ummm...?" Buffy arched an eyebrow.  
  
"Damn chip..." he shook his head and grabbed the stake,   
preparing to do it again.  
  
"Since when does the chip hurt you?" Buffy asked.  
  
He glared at her, "You want me to do this or not? Because it   
makes a world of difference to me, whether I stay unliving or I'm dust."  
  
"Well how come your head hurts when you try to stake yourself?"   
she asked curiously.  
  
"...I dunno. It just does," he shrugged and said, "Here's to   
Hell. I'll save you that seat." He plunged the stake towards his heart.  
  
"NO!!" Buffy yelled, jumping between him and the stake. Spike   
managed to stop himself before he got Buffy too deeply.   
  
"Whoa!" he yanked the stake point out of her chest and turned   
her around, grabbing her shoulders. "You silly bint!" he exclaimed,   
fear apparent in his voice. "I could've killed you!"  
  
"Jeez!! I can't believe you think I would really want you to   
kill yourself!!" she scolded him. "Are you RETARDED?!"  
  
"Never mind about me. Are YOU all right?" he was very worried   
that he'd hurt her seriously. "Well, you must be all right to yell   
at me, but still."  
  
"It only hurts a little. I mean, c'mon a vampire staked me in   
the stomach, and it hurt but I lived."  
  
"I'm sorry. That's the second thing I've screwed up tonight..."   
he hugged her. "Sorry, luv."  
  
"I'm apparently a whore."  
  
"No you're not!"he hugged her tighter.  
  
"I'm going to bed," she said, escaping from his hug. "I'm   
tired."  
  
"All...all right," Spike said quietly, stepping away from her   
and respecting her space.  
  
She winked at him. "You wanna come?"  
  
His eyes widened and his heart leaped. "Su--wait. Luv, you   
better not be toying with me..."  
  
"Would I toy with you? No hanky panky, you just keep the bed   
warm." she said, completely forgetting he had not body temperature.  
  
Spike realized that he had no body temperature but chose to   
conviently ignore it. "Okay. I'll keep the bed warm."  
  
"Okay. c'mon," she said, taking his hand and leading him   
upstairs.  
  
He smiled, so perfectly happy at that moment and willing to   
follow her anywhere. Buffy led him to her room. "Wait here while I   
get my pajamas on." And she closed the door.  
  
"Okay..." he answered, willing himself not to look through   
the crack in the door. A few moments later, she opened the door.   
Unfortunately for Spike, she was simply wearing an old T-shirt and   
sweat pants.   
  
And unfortunately for Buffy, Spike was still WEARING a shirt.  
  
She motioned wordlessly to her bed and held the door wider   
for him and he got in happily.  
  
Buffy snuggled up next to him. "Night Spike," she told him   
sleepily.  
  
"G'night Slayer. Sweet dreams," he couldn't keep the smile   
tugging at the corners of his mouth off his face.  
  
"Mmhmm," she fell asleep, and unconciously rested her head on   
his chest.  
  
  
It was nearing dawn. Spike knew this, and knew he'd have to get out   
of the house and to his crypt soon, but he didn't want to leave Buffy.  
  
Buffy made a weird sleeping noise, and rolled over and nestled   
into his chest, sleeping soundly. Spike thought it over, and decided   
he'd just hide under the blankets if the sun poked through. He kissed   
the top of her head lightly, unable to help himself anymore. Though   
he wished that Buffy could've asked him to spend the night for a   
different reason than 'keeping the bed warm', he was perfectly content   
with just laying there with her.  
  
"Spike.." Buffy mumbled sleepily, raising her head up then   
letting it drop because it was so heavy.  
  
"Shhhh, I'm here luv," he stroked her hair lightly. "Spike's   
here," he murmured.  
  
"Can you go make coffee?" she mumbled again.  
  
"Sure, luv," he replied softly. "Anything you want."  
  
"Two creams, one sugar pwease," she said, flopping over, and   
snoring loudly. (And then both Mae and Arashi laugh their asses off  
at the thought of Sarah Michelle Gellar snoring.)  
  
"Sure," he replied, missing the warmth from her living body on   
him.  
  
"Thankerr," she grumbled, burying her face into the pillow.  
  
He made a mental note to get out before seven and make the   
coffee for her, just in case she remembered what she'd asked him.  
  
"And don't even think about putting on that horrid duster," she   
threatened sleepily.  
  
"I won't," he promised.  
  
"'Cuz it smells like Dru and I don't like to think of her all   
over you."  
  
"Oh. Well I'll have to wash it," he answered, his eyebrows   
inching into his hair.  
  
"You can't wash leather dummyhead," she rolled over, and hit   
her head on the headboard. "Oh oops. Hehehe!"  
  
He chuckled softly to himself. "S'pose your right, luv."  
  
"You can Febreeze it. I'm gonna go make coffee, be right   
back." Buffy swung her legs out of the bed, and stretched.  
  
"All right. I'll be here when you get back," he replied.  
  
"I would think so unless you want to be in a vacuum cleaner,"   
she said, walking sluggishly out of the room.  
  
"No, I don't like vacuum cleaners," Spike shook his head,   
smiling at how cute she was in the morning. Then he slowly got up   
and silently followed her to make sure she didn't hurt herself. He   
figured she was either sleep walking or really sleepy. When Spike   
got to the kitchen, he saw Buffy putting...ice...in the coffee   
maker...yup sleepwalking it was.  
  
"Here, luv, let Spike do it," he said, gently steering her   
back towards her room.  
  
"What happens if it goes down the toilet?" she asked sleepily,   
as she lay down on the bed.  
  
"I won't let it go down the toilet, I promise," he patted her   
head and kissed her forehead. "Go back to sleep."  
  
Spike shook his head wondering where in hell the toilet thing   
came to play, but he chose to ignore it, and make the coffee...with   
two creams and a sugar. Spike went and retrieved Buffy from the bed   
once her coffee was made. "C'mon luv, rise and shine."  
  
"Bah humbug," she answered, staring up at him.  
  
"Don't 'bah humbug' me. I made you your coffee like you asked,"   
he picked her up and carried her downstairs.  
  
"Mmmmmmmmmmmm coffee," she said, grabbing the mug, and downing   
it all within seconds.  
  
"...Thirsty?" Spike asked with a chuckle.  
  
"Yup!" she said, all of a sudden on a sugar and caffeine high.   
She had a ring of COFFEE around her MOUTH that she didn't bother to   
WIPE OFF.  
  
Spike leaned forward and kissed her, licking off the ring of   
coffee. Buffy, surprised, responded to his kiss, happily. Spike was   
afraid that if he took the kiss too far it would scare her off   
forever, so he tried to break away.  
  
"Mmmmmmmmm," Buffy wrapped her arms tightly around his neck,   
not letting him break away.  
  
'In that case...' he thought, pulling her up out of her chair   
and wrapping his arms around her waist, pressing her against him.  
  
After about five minutes, Buffy finally broke the kiss.   
"Dammmmmmmmmmmmmn!"  
  
"I'll say..." Spike muttered, a bit hoarse.  
  
"So..." Buffy said, quite speechless.  
  
He smiled at her, threading his fingers through hers. "You   
tasted like two creams and a sugar."  
  
Buffy smiled, and kissed him gently on the lips again. Which   
he responded to in kind.  
  
"I love you," she whispered.  
  
He closed his eyes. "You don't know how long I've waited to   
hear that," he murmured. "And I love you too."  
  
  
~* THE END *~  
  
Wasn't that great? :D S/B shippers rejoice! *^^* 


End file.
